how am i supposed to

react?
she left me. so what transpires after that...
i shouldn't be made to feel bad about, right?
i gave her a chance to rectify the situation.
and she still fights it every step of the way.
"i still see you as my boyfriend"
"but i have no desire to call you my boyfriend"
i don't understand this mode of thought.
and i assume it's not for me to understand.
but what i do know, however, is that i have given her ample time
as well as ample opportunity
and ample reason
to be with me.
if still, after all that has been said and done, 120 miles is just too much distance, then i guess...
it wasn't really love to begin with, was it?
i feel led on. and i'm not that boy.
i'm not the one you do that to.
lauren, i love you.
and this is my formal apology for what i have to do.
you may never read this, and i may never tell you in person.
but i'm sorry that i have to cut this off.
i'm sorry that you cannot accept me for my geographic location.
i'm sorry that you couldn't give it a chance.
we could have had something amazing together.
instead, we have a brick wall.
a dead end.
i now know that some things are just not, no matter how much it may seem so, meant to be.
this relationship is clearly one of those things.
i have closure now.
i have solidarity.
i have friends.
i have positivity.
that is all i need.
now i'm going to go back to my normal life.
and be happy again.

(next blog: i address the charlene situation.... so stay tuned!)

i don't even know

what i want anymore. i'm terrified of change, but i think in light of current situations, change is not on necessary, but dire.

i don't even know if i'm happy with her anymore. i know that i love her, but maybe she was right and that isn't enough. i want her to be happy, but i don't know if that involves me; and considering the way she's been acting, i don't really know if my happiness involves her.

and i don't want to be one of those "i've found someone else" people. i really don't.

but maybe, inadvertently, i am.

fuuuuuuuuu.

i get mixed signals. i feel mixed emotions. i don't know how to handle it. one minute i am so stoked on life, and so stoked on her, and the next minute i feel trapped, like i've jumped into a ravine, and the only way out is to climb the mountainous barriers that i am trapped between.

i don't want to quit, but it keeps getting harder to climb.

i don't know if any of this makes sense, or if i even want it to. i just know that i am confused.
but no one reads this, so asking for help would be pointless. ughhhhh.
what is one to do?
rawrrawrrawrrawrrawrrawrrawrrawr. fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.fuck.

i dont know what else to say.

i think

this is what i need to start doing to keep myself from blowing up facebook.
i'm too opinionated to maintain myself in just fucking status updates.

but i mean.... where do i start? i don't want to just air out my beliefs, likes and dislikes in a forum like i feel that people give a shit. i don't want to start spouting off what i feel should be said.

but i probably will anyway.

i don't fucking know. my improper paragraph structure does not matter to me, by the way. i can call it "art", if it's all disoriented and e.e. cummings-esque.

the
dog
has
6 legs.

SUCK IT POETS. YOU'RE ALL GAY.

seriously. soooo.... current events? how i feel about the way things are going right now? in my own life, or the lives of those that we can all read and understand the subject matter? who the fuck is "we all"? this is a quandary. but it may be answerable... and therefore a paradoxical quandary? is that a paradox in itself? what the fuck am i even talking about? i don't know. this is where it all falls apart.

when writer's block becomes writers diarrhea.
i just start typing whatever words come to my head and hope that if you have the ability to follow the multiple lines of logic that i am simultanaeously pursuing, the inane shit i'm saying will make sense in context.
this may well, however, prove to be an insurmountable task.

it's 4:22 AM. i've smoked some chronic tonight and taken acid. the things i've typed in this sitting probably won't even make sense to me when i wake up later. maybe next time i'll be more premeditated and political as i usually am.

so i feel like i should just end this right now before my stupidity shows any further. so that is all.




"YOU WANNA SEE US FAIL? NOT TODAY MOTHERFUCKER!"


ugh. kill me. please.